"She makes others happy...She leaves a little sparkle wherever she goes..."

Friday, March 7, 2014

Some Friday Grins and Giggles

Pin It

Yeah, that's pretty much the look I gave myself when I entered the title of this blog post. I seriously dislike the word "giggles", but we needed some alliteration, so we're just going to go with it. 

But anyway, IT'S FRIDAY! FINALLY! I feel as though this week has been epically long. The weather has been all over the place, work has been crazy-town. And since it's Friday, I think we are all in need of a little sunshine, smiles and laughter.

Had you seen this? I don't know why, but laughed for like 3 minutes at this.


The worst kind of infidelity.

And then we have this gem. This is currently Mr. K's and my favorite commercial.
I'd like to know who taught that child to say the word "donuts". She is currently saying something like 
"door-nuts", and she has this smile and barely opens her mouth. She kind of makes me hate her and yet still laugh. I think the best part is when she tries to hold the donut box and present them Vanna White style. #coordination #grossmotorskills

Now, who would think these guys could be anything but delicious sweet treats?

Evidently these Amazon customers. These people purchased 5 lb bags of Haribo Sugar-free Gummy Bears from Amazon.com. The reviews of this product are among the funniest things I have read in quite some time. *note, not for those with semi-queasy stomachs*

36,735 of 37,273 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate.October 3, 2012
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Bears Sugar Free 5lb Bag (Grocery)
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.


I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.

Yeah, that's real life. 

Why is this so funny?
Who is this poor nugget?!


I'm also throwing this one in for Mr. K because I HATE THIS WOMAN. She is always talking about her husband, Jeffrey, that we never ever see. So number 1, I think she is lying about having a husband. Secondly, she says annoying things like, "Jeffrey really wanted to go to Greece for his birthday. I'm not taking him to Greece, but I am making him this Greek salad for lunch today."

Hey, Barefoot Contessa. This is what we all think of you. 
And your fictional husband, Jeffrey.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Animated Social Gadget - Blogger And Wordpress Tips